Some Guy Called Doug

by Douglas Hamilton

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02:56
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released February 7, 2012

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Douglas Hamilton Bristol, UK

Doug Hamilton puts his finger on what's terrifyingly funny about modern life and just keeps probing. In other hands, this could be dire, but Doug has a special way of making you laugh AND making you think. Doug grew up in America, came of age in Scotland, and has been bouncing between the US and the UK ever since. He never saw an instrument he didn't want to play. ... more

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Track Name: Must Have Chocolate
In the midst of a five hour meeting
Somewhere around hour two or three
My eyes start glazing over
And I’m breathing quite shallowly
As I pretend to comprehend
My grip starts to slip on reality

Chocolate, must have chocolate
If I don’t get some soon I won’t survive
Chocolate, lovely chocolate
Sometimes it’s all that’s keeping me alive

When the telephone rings during mealtimes
And they say that my payment is late
And the money’s all gone ‘til the end of the month
And I beg them, abjectly, to wait
As I groan and hang up the phone
The moment has come to self-medicate

Chocolate, must have chocolate
If I don’t get some soon I won’t survive
Chocolate, lovely chocolate
Sometimes it’s all that’s keeping me alive

Choclit choclit choclit choclit

Chocolate cake with butter cream
Cocoa drunk with warm ecstatic sips
And when you’re out of other forms
Handfuls…of chocolate chips!

When someday after dreaming
You wake up in a sweat
And it’s one of those dreams where the faster you go
The further behind you get
The only way is not to delay
Run, walk or crawl to the kitchen cabinet
Drag yourself over to the cabinet
There’s only one cure that you won’t regret

Chocolate, must have chocolate
If I don’t get some soon I won’t survive
Chocolate, lovely chocolate
Sometimes it’s all that’s keeping me alive
Track Name: Your Father's Underwear
When I was just a young lad
Aspiring...to fit in
All tie-dyed shirts and hippie hair unkempt
We believed in total freedom
In lettin' it all hang out
But the contents of your wardrobe was exempt
If they caught you wearing boxers you were likely to be shunned
Only y-fronts might adorn your derriere
Boxers were for old guys
Or even worse, your dad
And nobody wants to wear...their father's underwear

I did not want to wear
My father's underwear
The way I chose to gird my loins is my own affair
I have my own beliefs
My tight white low-cut briefs
Their chief advantage is they're not my father's underwear

The younger generation
To set themselves apart
Reject my tighty-whities with disdain
They're airing out their differences in floppy boxer shorts
With inscriptions meant to shock and entertain
Fancy patterns and bright colors make these underdrawers ideal
For hiding any inconvenient stain
And speaking of disdain, the true source of their appeal
Is that nobody wants to wear...their father's underwear

Nobody wants to wear
Their father's underwear
The very notion is enough to drive them to despair
Their floppy boxer shorts
According to reports
Have the advantage that they're not their father's underwear

To my children's generation
This advice...don't get too smug
You can bet your children also will rebel
They'll want neither briefs nor boxers
Beneath their dignity
Though what skivvies they might choose, it's hard to tell
Whether breechclout, thong, bikini, or even pantaloon
Who knows, they just might go completely bare
You can bet your bottom dollar
When it comes to clothes down there
They're not gonna want to wear
Their father's underwear

Your father's underwear
I hope I've made it clear
Is the embodiment of every young man's greatest fear
They'll feel deep despair
If on their derriere
Is anything
Resembling
Their father's underwear
Track Name: Goin' Walkies
Sniffity sniff. What's that smell?
There's a new dog in the neighborhood
Just can't believe it, this is an outrage!
Doesn't he know that this is my bush?
Right, gonna take him on
Been savin' this up since yesterday evening

Psss psss psss psss
That'll show 'im
That'll fix 'im

I'm goin' walkies!
Goin' walkies!
I'm goin' walkies!

Sniffity sniff. Oo la la!
Fifi was here just a short time ago
Wait a minute, there's something more
I sense that Fifi is ready to romp!
Come on man! Let go of that leash
This requires immediate action

Psss psss psss psss psss
You may be three times my size, but you're mine, all mine!

I'm goin' walkies!
Goin' walkies!
I'm goin' walkies!

Sniffity sniff. That's a surprise!
Never been down this road before
Mustn't dally. Better get busy
New territory, better stake my claim
That garden gate's a good place to start
And over there...and there...and there...and here

Psss psss psss psss psss psss psss psss
Man, oh man, I'm runnin' dry

I'm goin' walkies!
Goin' walkies!
I'm goin' walkies!

Sniffity sniff. Well whatta ya know
'Ole Fred has left his calling card
I guess I'd better let him know
His doggy pal's not far behind
Juss know 'ole Fred'll be really pleased
When he gets a whiff of this on his way back home

P... p... p...
Darn it all, the well's run dry.

But I'm goin' walkies!
Goin' walkies!
I'm goin' walkies!
Track Name: Spam!
Look at those subject lines
It’s enough to make your face turn red
My inbox is an adventure
Each day I approach it with dread
And I’m prayin’ that my colleagues won’t notice
What kind of man will they think I am?
Judging by my spam

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
Its use is reprehensible
Outrageous, indefensible
That’s spam

Seems like useful information
It’s kinda hard to disregard
Bigger breasts, a trimmer waistline
And potions for keeping it hard
And the last thing in the world I need right now...another credit card
Another credit card

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
If you send it you’ve got some nerve
Hope you get what you deserve
Endless spam

So much information unsolicited
So many times I've tried to unsubscribe
I change my email every couple of weeks
But they always find me
No matter how I contrive
To hide

But the spam which outspams all the other spam
The cheekiest and most offensive
Is the spam that requires you to pay
And by the way, it’s not inexpensive
There’s nothing like getting an offer
To get rid of all of your spam
In the form of spam

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
My inbox is my castle
So lay off
You lowlife acolyte of spam
Track Name: Old MacDonald Had a Form
Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O
And on that form there were some blanks…E I E I O
With a blank blank here and a blank blank there
Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank
Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O


Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O
And on that form there were instructions…E I E I O
With a write this here and a write that there
Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate
Blank blank here, blank blank there
Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank
Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O


Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O
And on that form was legalese…E I E I O
With a whereas here and a wherefore there
Heretofore, notwithstanding yadda yadda yadda
Write this here, write that there
Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate
Blank blank here, blank blank there
Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank
Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O


Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O
And on that form were intrusive questions…E I E I O
With a “where were you” and a “what did you”
Who did you do it to and are they going to sue you?
Whereas here, wherefore there
Heretofore notwithstanding yadda yadda yadda
Write this here, write that there
Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate
Blank blank here, blank blank there
Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank
Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O


Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O
And on that form there were disclaimers…E I E I O
With a “we don’t know” and a “we can’t say”
And if we knew anything you couldn’t sue us anyway
Where were you, what did you
Who did you do it to and are they going to sue you?
Whereas here, wherefore there
Heretofore notwithstanding yadda yadda yadda
Write this here, write that there
Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate
Blank blank here, blank blank there
Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blankity blank blank blank
Well…Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O
Track Name: Free Gas
It began before we noticed, and innocently enough
A few cents here, a nickel there. Pretty soon it added up
The price of gas went through the roof and failed to subside
The fundamental right to drive
Effectively denied

The first cars to fall silent were the larger SUVs
Expeditions, Navigators...and other sports utilities
Our transportation needs in doubt we struggled to survive
Hence the founding of our movement to restore the right to drive

We would march for the cause but we really can’t because
We refuse to go anywhere on foot
We’re driving for reform
Gotta keep our engines warm
Free Gas! Free Gas! Free Gas!

How wretched were the sufferers, forced to drive high-mileage cars
Some without air conditioning...or even power-assisted doors
Even worse, without a 4 by 4 we routinely risked it all
How awful to be stranded on the way out to the mall

We would march for the cause but we really can’t because
We refuse to go anywhere on foot
We will never rest at all
‘Til the prices start to fall
Free Gas! Free Gas! Free Gas!

So rise up you slaves of gasoline, and join the demonstration
Or soon we’ll be reduced to using...public transportation
How dare they make us pay too much. We’ve got to make them see
It’s not that prices are too high, it’s that All Gas Should Be Free

We would march for the cause but we really can’t because
We refuse to go anywhere on foot
We really shouldn’t have to pay
They should just give the gas away
Free Gas! Free Gas! Free Gas!
Track Name: Wired Lullaby
Hush little baby don’t you fret
Papa can’t use a computer yet
How it hurts me to confess
Papa don’t have no email address

Hush little baby don’t be glum
Papa’s gonna buy you a Pentium
And if that Pentium should crash
Papa’s gonna buy you a Macintosh

Don’t you worry, don’t be alarmed
We’ll get you online before you’re harmed
We’ll place a mouse in your wee hand
Before you can walk, or even stand

We’ll put a screen in your bassinette
Ain’t raisin’ no computer illiterate
Track Name: Reboot!
This damn computer’s crashed again
A worthless lump of junk
The spelling checker frozen in mid-check
The cursor’s still revolving
Like it’s telling me to wait
And the escape key has absolutely no effect

Reboot, reboot
This crash is clearly absolute
Time to cycle the power
Cut your losses…and reboot

The stuff that I was writing
Was the best I ever wrote
I was so involved I plum forgot to save
The chances of recovery
Are impossibly remote
And the prose will not be quite so great again

Reboot, reboot
A not-so-trivial pursuit
Time to cycle the power
Cut your losses…and reboot

Guess I shouldn’t be surprised
This computer’s ten months old
It’s approaching the end of it’s useful life
The operating system
I won’t mention any names
Is incompatible…with itself

Reboot, reboot
Like some exotic, useless fruit
Time to cycle the power
Cut your losses…and reboot
Track Name: Un-deck the Halls
I can’t wait ‘til Christmas is over, I won’t feel the least bit upset
When the chestnuts are roasted and the cards are all posted
To folks we once met but would rather forget
Can’t wait ‘til that music stops wafting through the air wherever I go
‘Til no hint remains of those holiday strains
And those jingle bells jingle no more

So what has become of Christmas, the season I once enjoyed
I know I should feel excitement and awe
But mostly I’m feeling annoyed
So un-deck those halls! Un-trim that tree!
Because what Christmas has become today
Is absolutely not for me

The holiday’s not really over ‘til every last gift is exchanged
And by that I don’t mean unwrapped ‘round the tree
But exchanged at the source for a refund, of course
It all starts in early October, and it’s New Years before it’s all through
If we all play our role and go deep in the hole
The economy just might pull through

So what has become of Christmas, of sacred, silent nights?
I wonder how we might return to a time of innocent delights?
Un-deck those halls! Un-trim that tree!
Because what Christmas has become today
Is absolutely not for me

Sometimes I wonder if I matters
If everybody thinks it’s just fine
That Christmas amounts to very little more
Then the sum on someone’s bottom line

And when Christmas is finally over, and the tree’s on its way to the dump
When the food’s all consumed and our diets resumed
When the halls are un-decked and there’s time to reflect
On the deeper meaning of Christmas beneath the gaudy veneer
We need it, a lot, and we need it not
Just at Christmas, but throughout the whole year

So what will become of Christmas? It’s up to you and me
Can Christmas outshine all the tinsel and hype and become what it used to be?
Un-deck those halls! Un-trim that tree!
Because what Christmas has become today
Is absolutely not for me

Where will it end! What will you do!
If what Christmas has become today
Is absolutely not for you