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Some Guy Called Doug

by Douglas Hamilton

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1.
down hunker down hunker down hunker hunker hunker down hunker down down down down hunker hunker down down hunker hunker down down hunker hunker hunker down down hunker down hunker down hunker hunker hunker down down hunker down down down down hunker hunker hunker down down hunker down down hunker hunker down down down down hunker down hunker down down down hunker hunker hunker down
2.
In the midst of a five hour meeting Somewhere around hour two or three My eyes start glazing over And I’m breathing quite shallowly As I pretend to comprehend My grip starts to slip on reality Chocolate, must have chocolate If I don’t get some soon I won’t survive Chocolate, lovely chocolate Sometimes it’s all that’s keeping me alive When the telephone rings during mealtimes And they say that my payment is late And the money’s all gone ‘til the end of the month And I beg them, abjectly, to wait As I groan and hang up the phone The moment has come to self-medicate Chocolate, must have chocolate If I don’t get some soon I won’t survive Chocolate, lovely chocolate Sometimes it’s all that’s keeping me alive Choclit choclit choclit choclit Chocolate cake with butter cream Cocoa drunk with warm ecstatic sips And when you’re out of other forms Handfuls…of chocolate chips! When someday after dreaming You wake up in a sweat And it’s one of those dreams where the faster you go The further behind you get The only way is not to delay Run, walk or crawl to the kitchen cabinet Drag yourself over to the cabinet There’s only one cure that you won’t regret Chocolate, must have chocolate If I don’t get some soon I won’t survive Chocolate, lovely chocolate Sometimes it’s all that’s keeping me alive
3.
When I was just a young lad Aspiring...to fit in All tie-dyed shirts and hippie hair unkempt We believed in total freedom In lettin' it all hang out But the contents of your wardrobe was exempt If they caught you wearing boxers you were likely to be shunned Only y-fronts might adorn your derriere Boxers were for old guys Or even worse, your dad And nobody wants to wear...their father's underwear I did not want to wear My father's underwear The way I chose to gird my loins is my own affair I have my own beliefs My tight white low-cut briefs Their chief advantage is they're not my father's underwear The younger generation To set themselves apart Reject my tighty-whities with disdain They're airing out their differences in floppy boxer shorts With inscriptions meant to shock and entertain Fancy patterns and bright colors make these underdrawers ideal For hiding any inconvenient stain And speaking of disdain, the true source of their appeal Is that nobody wants to wear...their father's underwear Nobody wants to wear Their father's underwear The very notion is enough to drive them to despair Their floppy boxer shorts According to reports Have the advantage that they're not their father's underwear To my children's generation This advice...don't get too smug You can bet your children also will rebel They'll want neither briefs nor boxers Beneath their dignity Though what skivvies they might choose, it's hard to tell Whether breechclout, thong, bikini, or even pantaloon Who knows, they just might go completely bare You can bet your bottom dollar When it comes to clothes down there They're not gonna want to wear Their father's underwear Your father's underwear I hope I've made it clear Is the embodiment of every young man's greatest fear They'll feel deep despair If on their derriere Is anything Resembling Their father's underwear
4.
Please don’t signal the aliens from here When you do they consume all the beer They arrive in their saucers (ships) What a rude bunch of tossers (gits) Their chaotic intentions are clear Please don’t signal the aliens from here Just remember what happened before When we failed to establish rapport It was foolish to think They’d nip in for one drink Then zip off to the planet next door Just remember we’ve been there before The aliens, the aliens The aliens could be our friends Should we risk it? It depends In a way we’re all aliens here Maybe next time it won’t be like before If we only could all our differences ignore Soon we’d inter-relate Makes it harder to hate And they would be aliens no more We’d none of us be aliens anymore The aliens, the aliens The aliens could be our friends Should we risk it? It depends In a way we’re all aliens here Go ahead, call the aliens back And you might as well offer them a snack If they feel welcome here There’ll be nothing to fear We’ll be friends, we’ll be safe from attack Go ahead, call the aliens back The aliens, the aliens The aliens could be our friends Should we risk it? It depends In a way we’re all aliens here
5.
Goin' Walkies (free) 02:59
Sniffity sniff. What's that smell? There's a new dog in the neighborhood Just can't believe it, this is an outrage! Doesn't he know that this is my bush? Right, gonna take him on Been savin' this up since yesterday evening Psss psss psss psss That'll show 'im That'll fix 'im I'm goin' walkies! Goin' walkies! I'm goin' walkies! Sniffity sniff. Oo la la! Fifi was here just a short time ago Wait a minute, there's something more I sense that Fifi is ready to romp! Come on man! Let go of that leash This requires immediate action Psss psss psss psss psss You may be three times my size, but you're mine, all mine! I'm goin' walkies! Goin' walkies! I'm goin' walkies! Sniffity sniff. That's a surprise! Never been down this road before Mustn't dally. Better get busy New territory, better stake my claim That garden gate's a good place to start And over there...and there...and there...and here Psss psss psss psss psss psss psss psss Man, oh man, I'm runnin' dry I'm goin' walkies! Goin' walkies! I'm goin' walkies! Sniffity sniff. Well whatta ya know 'Ole Fred has left his calling card I guess I'd better let him know His doggy pal's not far behind Juss know 'ole Fred'll be really pleased When he gets a whiff of this on his way back home P... p... p... Darn it all, the well's run dry. But I'm goin' walkies! Goin' walkies! I'm goin' walkies!
6.
Spam! (free) 03:38
Look at those subject lines It’s enough to make your face turn red My inbox is an adventure Each day I approach it with dread And I’m prayin’ that my colleagues won’t notice What kind of man will they think I am? Judging by my spam Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Its use is reprehensible Outrageous, indefensible That’s spam Seems like useful information It’s kinda hard to disregard Bigger breasts, a trimmer waistline And potions for keeping it hard And the last thing in the world I need right now...another credit card Another credit card Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! If you send it you’ve got some nerve Hope you get what you deserve Endless spam So much information unsolicited So many times I've tried to unsubscribe I change my email every couple of weeks But they always find me No matter how I contrive To hide But the spam which outspams all the other spam The cheekiest and most offensive Is the spam that requires you to pay And by the way, it’s not inexpensive There’s nothing like getting an offer To get rid of all of your spam In the form of spam Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! My inbox is my castle So lay off You lowlife acolyte of spam
7.
Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O And on that form there were some blanks…E I E I O With a blank blank here and a blank blank there Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O And on that form there were instructions…E I E I O With a write this here and a write that there Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate Blank blank here, blank blank there Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O And on that form was legalese…E I E I O With a whereas here and a wherefore there Heretofore, notwithstanding yadda yadda yadda Write this here, write that there Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate Blank blank here, blank blank there Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O And on that form were intrusive questions…E I E I O With a “where were you” and a “what did you” Who did you do it to and are they going to sue you? Whereas here, wherefore there Heretofore notwithstanding yadda yadda yadda Write this here, write that there Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate Blank blank here, blank blank there Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blank blank Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O And on that form there were disclaimers…E I E I O With a “we don’t know” and a “we can’t say” And if we knew anything you couldn’t sue us anyway Where were you, what did you Who did you do it to and are they going to sue you? Whereas here, wherefore there Heretofore notwithstanding yadda yadda yadda Write this here, write that there Don’t do this, do do that, fill it in in triplicate Blank blank here, blank blank there Here a blank, there a blank, everywhere a blankity blank blank blank Well…Old MacDonald had a form…E I E I O
8.
Free Gas (free) 02:32
It began before we noticed, and innocently enough A few cents here, a nickel there. Pretty soon it added up The price of gas went through the roof and failed to subside The fundamental right to drive Effectively denied The first cars to fall silent were the larger SUVs Expeditions, Navigators...and other sports utilities Our transportation needs in doubt we struggled to survive Hence the founding of our movement to restore the right to drive We would march for the cause but we really can’t because We refuse to go anywhere on foot We’re driving for reform Gotta keep our engines warm Free Gas! Free Gas! Free Gas! How wretched were the sufferers, forced to drive high-mileage cars Some without air conditioning...or even power-assisted doors Even worse, without a 4 by 4 we routinely risked it all How awful to be stranded on the way out to the mall We would march for the cause but we really can’t because We refuse to go anywhere on foot We will never rest at all ‘Til the prices start to fall Free Gas! Free Gas! Free Gas! So rise up you slaves of gasoline, and join the demonstration Or soon we’ll be reduced to using...public transportation How dare they make us pay too much. We’ve got to make them see It’s not that prices are too high, it’s that All Gas Should Be Free We would march for the cause but we really can’t because We refuse to go anywhere on foot We really shouldn’t have to pay They should just give the gas away Free Gas! Free Gas! Free Gas!
9.
The Pobble who has no toes Had once as many as we; When they said, 'Some day you may lose them all;'-- He replied, -- 'Fish fiddle de-dee!' And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink, Lavender water tinged with pink, For she said, 'The World in general knows There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes!' The Pobble who has no toes, Swam across the Bristol Channel; But before he set out he wrapped his nose, In a piece of scarlet flannel. For his Aunt Jobiska said, 'No harm 'Can come to his toes if his nose is warm; 'And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes 'Are safe, -- provided he minds his nose.' The Pobble swam fast and well And when boats or ships came near him He tinkedly-binkledy-winkled a bell So that all the world could hear him. And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, When they saw him nearing the further side,-- 'He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's 'Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!' But before he touched the shore, The shore of the Bristol Channel, A sea-green Porpoise carried away His wrapper of scarlet flannel. And when he came to observe his feet Formerly garnished with toes so neat His face at once became forlorn On perceiving that all his toes were gone! And nobody ever knew From that dark day to the present, Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, In a manner so far from pleasant. Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray, Or crafty Mermaids stole them away -- Nobody knew; and nobody knows How the Pebble was robbed of his twice five toes! The Pobble who has no toes Was placed in a friendly Bark, And they rowed him back, and carried him up, To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. And she made him a feast at his earnest wish Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish;-- And she said, 'It's a fact the whole world knows, That Pebbles are happier without their toes.'
10.
Wired Lullaby (free) 01:40
Hush little baby don’t you fret Papa can’t use a computer yet How it hurts me to confess Papa don’t have no email address Hush little baby don’t be glum Papa’s gonna buy you a Pentium And if that Pentium should crash Papa’s gonna buy you a Macintosh Don’t you worry, don’t be alarmed We’ll get you online before you’re harmed We’ll place a mouse in your wee hand Before you can walk, or even stand We’ll put a screen in your bassinette Ain’t raisin’ no computer illiterate
11.
Reboot! (free) 02:56
This damn computer’s crashed again A worthless lump of junk The spelling checker frozen in mid-check The cursor’s still revolving Like it’s telling me to wait And the escape key has absolutely no effect Reboot, reboot This crash is clearly absolute Time to cycle the power Cut your losses…and reboot The stuff that I was writing Was the best I ever wrote I was so involved I plum forgot to save The chances of recovery Are impossibly remote And the prose will not be quite so great again Reboot, reboot A not-so-trivial pursuit Time to cycle the power Cut your losses…and reboot Guess I shouldn’t be surprised This computer’s ten months old It’s approaching the end of it’s useful life The operating system I won’t mention any names Is incompatible…with itself Reboot, reboot Like some exotic, useless fruit Time to cycle the power Cut your losses…and reboot

credits

released February 7, 2012

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Douglas Hamilton Bristol, UK

Doug Hamilton puts his finger on what's terrifyingly funny about modern life and just keeps probing. In other hands, this could be dire, but Doug has a special way of making you laugh AND making you think. Doug grew up in America, came of age in Scotland, and has been bouncing between the US and the UK ever since. He never saw an instrument he didn't want to play. ... more

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